Questioning and Growing
Someday’s I wake up and feel like everything is going right, I love my job, I love my friends, my family has its problems but my life is great. Then some days the uncertainty settles in, I use mechanisms to distract myself from the tension that I feel crippeling inside by body. Rather than allow myself to breathe, I move through the motions. Never settling. Its like waves move inside of me, guiding me in certain directions, but they never cancel eachother out. I remember in physics when we were learning about waves, we would see these counteracting either move together and grow or reach a standstill. I’d like to think that’s what is happening around me and within me, waves of energy interacting. Except what happens when one takes over and they are out of phase, is there a way to bring back the counterbalance? Is there a way to bring peace in a world of choas? If sound is a wave? How can music play its role in reshaping the energy of the earth?
I love asking questions, but maybe the tension inside stems from never knowing the answer. We search and search in life to know the answers, but what if the truth lies in the question? The excitement lies in the question, it’s what keeps you going. Keeps you searching. Keeps you excited. At least that’s what I want to believe.
In my head, I hear these voices. The voices that tell me to have doubt. These voices weigh their uncertainty within me. They bring me up, by commending my glory, yet at the same time they say I am incapable of achieving my dreams. What a beautiful mind, wasted away. They scan for my imperfections to make me “better”. Isn’t it ironic that the same voice in our head that pushes us to be better is the same one that says we aren’t good enough?
I’m not disregarding that voice, because I can be better. We can always grow. I am accepting this. Yet, at the same time I am changing my standard of better. What does “better” mean to me? Each of us has their own definition of what it means to be the best version of ourselves and I am tired of subscribing to someone else’s definition.